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May 25, 2010

At various stages in our lives, we find ourselves sort of lost.  We find that we have been on paths not necessarily leading where we want to go. 

Early in the Spring, I awoke one morning much as I had every day for a while.  I wasn’t totally happy getting out of bed and facing what the day offered.  I wasn’t sleeping well.  My dreams were vivid and haunting.  Finally, I got out of bed and started stumbling through the day as I had so many times.  I was taking care of everyone else and their needs.  I had to stop in the kitchen and ask myself, “why are you so unhappy?  You have a great life, great husband, great children.  What is your problem?”.  I was very surprised by the answers that started to flood into my mind. 

I realized that I had negliected myself, and left the girl who I once was behind in the dust.  I was thinking about how to make everyone happy, but myself.  I didn’t want to be selfish, but I had forgotten that nobody was happy if I couldn’t give to them happily.  I decided for my children that I needed to find their mommy again.  I decided for the girl who I once was that I needed to dust her off in my mind.  I uncovered that I was unhappy with my weight and physical fitness.  I was still carrying around unwanted preganancy weight, and baby girl was four years old.  I found that I wasn’t doing what I truly wanted to do.  I wanted to be a writer.  I’ve imagined and dreamed for as long as I can remember.  The stories that swirled around my head were not going to pen themselves to paper.  I realized that I had neglected my relationship with my husband.  We were friends, but I no longer focused on him as I once did.  I had let our relationship fall by the wayside.  There were many other things that I uncovered with my questions.  Then, I realized I had two choices.  I could change my life and fix all of the broken pieces or I could slip back into the stouper.  I decided for once to have courage and move forward.

That day I started writing.  I had always wanted to write, but always down played my abilities.  Would I be able to come up with a story?  Would I ever sell anything?  Would anyone like my writing?  These questions and uncertanties always held me back.  So, I pushed them down.  I found the answer inside of me.  I don’t care.  I will write for me.  If I’m the only person that likes my work, that’s fine.  I’m going to give it my all.  The stories started to pour from my skull, as if I finally gave them permission to exist.  That night the dreams stopped haunting me.  I’ve slept better than I’ve slept in years.  It was as if I had given a ghost final peace. 

If writing could release my sleep, then, what if I conquered some other fears.  I’ve been on a metabolism retraining diet and working out.  I had never worked out at a gym before.  What if the person next to me laughed at my abilities?  What if they made fun on my fat?  I can’t run, that’s embarrassing.  I told all of these demons to shut themselves up and leave me alone.  Little by little as I go to the gym more and more, they become quieter and quieter.  It doesn’t matter what the person next to me thinks.  It matters that I’m doing this for my health and well-being.  My body will never get healthier or skinnier if I sit at home and wish it.  I’ve lost 5 pounds so far to be followed by more.  More importantly, I’ve lost a few inches.  It felt so good to put on a pair of jeans that had been previously tight and feel them loose.  My husband and I have been spending more time together.  We talk to each other.  I’ve been showing him more respect and love.  It is really great between us. 

Now, that I’m conquering those two things, I’m moving on to others.  I’m transforming into the woman who I always dreamed that I would be.  I never had the courage before.  You may ask, what does this have to do with Wondermommy?  It has everything to do with Wondermommy.  I’m going to start sharing more of myself.  We are leaving crafting to occasional posts, and we are going to focus on the total woman.  I’m going to share my triumphs and failures in a hope that I can inspire at least one of you out there.  Join me on our new journey of becoming true Wondermommies! 

I’m going to leave you with a couple of pictures of my children.  They are the reason that I’m transforming.  I want to be the best role-model that they have.  I want to show them that taking care of yourself transfers to other people.  It isn’t selfish, it is necessary. 

13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 25, 2010 1:45 pm

    Fabulous. Thanks for sharing and good luck on your new journey.

  2. Cathy permalink
    May 25, 2010 4:09 pm

    I totally needed to hear this today. God is speaking to me through so many people in these last couple of days. Wow. I am stunned. Thank you so much for your encouragement!!!

    • May 25, 2010 4:53 pm

      That’s why I’m here. I’m letting God work through me…instead of waiting to see His work. I’m finally getting it.

  3. May 25, 2010 5:01 pm

    Good for you girl! You are exactly right that you can’t make everyone around you happy if you are unhappy. And don’t even think twice about what those around you think when they see you working out. I noticed long ago that when really fit people see and person just starting out on a work out routine, they always say ‘Good for them”. At least the fit ones I know. And if they say something negative instead, well who are they to judge? We are all on a journey and cannot do it all, ALL the time. Including staying fit. There is season for everything. God bless you!

    • May 25, 2010 8:24 pm

      Thanks for all of the supportive comments. I want to take all of you on this journey with me. Everyday won’t be filled with ups, but we’ll make it through the down times, and bounce back bigger and better.

  4. May 25, 2010 7:40 pm

    Wow, what an inspiring post! I found myself nodding away at a lot of the things you said and no that I too need to make some changes to my self in order to be able to be the mum and wife that I truly want to be. Congratulations on taking back control and doing things for yourself and in turn for the rest of your family – all the best and I look forward to sharing your journey!

  5. mummy_chelle permalink
    May 25, 2010 8:08 pm

    You go girl! A lot of us are in the same boat so it will be lovely to see how you make changes for yourself and what works for you. You will get heaps of support here. I started this (somewhat rocky) journey nearly 2 years ago and am still being challenged daily as it is revealed ‘my’ path isn’t the path I am meant to be on for the next few years *sigh*. Mums have hard lessons but the payoffs are beyond worth it.

  6. Shani permalink
    May 25, 2010 9:35 pm

    Good for you!

    Re the gym–two things. 1) if they have time to judge someone else, they are not working hard enough, and 2) we’re nearly always harder on ourselves than other people are on us. Most likely no one has ever thought twice about what you do there. I went through that myself, and then realized that for the most part, I was busy enough with my own self and didn’t have time to be judging other people. So I stopped worrying.

    I hope we’ll hear more about your writing and exercise.

    • May 26, 2010 2:49 pm

      But, I think more importantly, does it really matter if they did think something bad about you? The answer is no, but it takes some time to build to that place. You have
      to learn to be comfortable enough with yourself to really move forward and be happy. That’s what I’m finding more and more.

      Thanks for the support! I have a series of posts planned about moving forward and growing. Although, I don’t know when I’ll find time to write them with all of the
      fiction I’m living in right now 🙂

  7. May 31, 2010 3:23 pm

    I read your post, nodding my head the whole time, thinking WOW! — I’m not the only mom who has been feeling this way! Godspeed on your journey to find yourself again. And thank you for having the courage to inspire others by sharing so much of yourself.

  8. June 2, 2010 3:25 pm

    What courage you have to share all this! I think all your plans are fabulous! I can relate in many ways. God will give you strength to get through all this. Writing sounds like a wonderful release too…I wish you all the best in that. 🙂

    If you ever need a new local friend, would be more than happy to meet at a park or something one day.

    Good luck in your new journey!

    • September 20, 2010 8:51 am

      Thank you, as you can see by how long it took me to respond…I’ve been very busy. I’m working on starting a new blog for my writing. I would love to meet up some time. I’ll get back in touch with you.

  9. July 21, 2010 11:43 pm

    this was a great post…thanks for sharing…i have been very unsettled in my life…this is a wonderful perspective, i really appreciate that you took the time to share it!

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