At various stages in our lives, we find ourselves sort of lost. We find that we have been on paths not necessarily leading where we want to go.
Early in the Spring, I awoke one morning much as I had every day for a while. I wasn’t totally happy getting out of bed and facing what the day offered. I wasn’t sleeping well. My dreams were vivid and haunting. Finally, I got out of bed and started stumbling through the day as I had so many times. I was taking care of everyone else and their needs. I had to stop in the kitchen and ask myself, “why are you so unhappy? You have a great life, great husband, great children. What is your problem?”. I was very surprised by the answers that started to flood into my mind.
I realized that I had negliected myself, and left the girl who I once was behind in the dust. I was thinking about how to make everyone happy, but myself. I didn’t want to be selfish, but I had forgotten that nobody was happy if I couldn’t give to them happily. I decided for my children that I needed to find their mommy again. I decided for the girl who I once was that I needed to dust her off in my mind. I uncovered that I was unhappy with my weight and physical fitness. I was still carrying around unwanted preganancy weight, and baby girl was four years old. I found that I wasn’t doing what I truly wanted to do. I wanted to be a writer. I’ve imagined and dreamed for as long as I can remember. The stories that swirled around my head were not going to pen themselves to paper. I realized that I had neglected my relationship with my husband. We were friends, but I no longer focused on him as I once did. I had let our relationship fall by the wayside. There were many other things that I uncovered with my questions. Then, I realized I had two choices. I could change my life and fix all of the broken pieces or I could slip back into the stouper. I decided for once to have courage and move forward.
That day I started writing. I had always wanted to write, but always down played my abilities. Would I be able to come up with a story? Would I ever sell anything? Would anyone like my writing? These questions and uncertanties always held me back. So, I pushed them down. I found the answer inside of me. I don’t care. I will write for me. If I’m the only person that likes my work, that’s fine. I’m going to give it my all. The stories started to pour from my skull, as if I finally gave them permission to exist. That night the dreams stopped haunting me. I’ve slept better than I’ve slept in years. It was as if I had given a ghost final peace.
If writing could release my sleep, then, what if I conquered some other fears. I’ve been on a metabolism retraining diet and working out. I had never worked out at a gym before. What if the person next to me laughed at my abilities? What if they made fun on my fat? I can’t run, that’s embarrassing. I told all of these demons to shut themselves up and leave me alone. Little by little as I go to the gym more and more, they become quieter and quieter. It doesn’t matter what the person next to me thinks. It matters that I’m doing this for my health and well-being. My body will never get healthier or skinnier if I sit at home and wish it. I’ve lost 5 pounds so far to be followed by more. More importantly, I’ve lost a few inches. It felt so good to put on a pair of jeans that had been previously tight and feel them loose. My husband and I have been spending more time together. We talk to each other. I’ve been showing him more respect and love. It is really great between us.
Now, that I’m conquering those two things, I’m moving on to others. I’m transforming into the woman who I always dreamed that I would be. I never had the courage before. You may ask, what does this have to do with Wondermommy? It has everything to do with Wondermommy. I’m going to start sharing more of myself. We are leaving crafting to occasional posts, and we are going to focus on the total woman. I’m going to share my triumphs and failures in a hope that I can inspire at least one of you out there. Join me on our new journey of becoming true Wondermommies!
I’m going to leave you with a couple of pictures of my children. They are the reason that I’m transforming. I want to be the best role-model that they have. I want to show them that taking care of yourself transfers to other people. It isn’t selfish, it is necessary.